whoisme33

Mon, 20 Apr 2009 07:35:50 GMT

It has been four months...

Wed, 19 Nov 2008 09:36:53 GMT

I went through recovery, and it worked - somewhat

It was a process that required great will power on my part. I had to look at my frail, thin and translucent body and tell myself that I was too thin and that gaining weight would make me more beautiful.

After two years of thinking the opposite this was not an easy thing to force myself to do. I woke up dozens of mornings crying because I could see my thighs expanding, my stomach bloating.

After some months, I would allow myself to eat the scrumptious looking ice cream - and hold back the tears. I would watch the weight go on and force myself to get over it.

Eventually though, it got easier. I saw that I wasn't gaining pounds of fat from a single meal. My metabolism sky rocketed, and I found I was eating 2000-2500 calories a day without gaining anything. I'm currently at a stable weight of 108lbs and I eat anything that I want to. I found myself able to enjoy food once again. I stopped spending hours at a time going to grocery stores, I started hanging out with my friends, having a life...

I started to realise that my natural weight of 110lbs at 5'6 is still thin, and I look good at that weight. I'm still extremely thin, but I no longer look gaunt and sickly from malnutrition.

But something about all of this isn't right. I thought that with the abolition of my eating disorder, my depression and other problems would fade away. But no, only the method I once used to suppress them has disappeared - and now I'm simply left with problems - and no means to solve them by.

I am no longer with Tristan, which was my idea - (long story, another time). But - he was my saviour, as pathetic as that sounds. He helped so much in pulling me out of my destructive self. I've learnt to take care of myself without him now and I no longer need him but I find myself getting lost again - and this time, there is no one to find me.

I'm getting more and more lost in myself, and who knows when I'll find the next destructive way of faking this. I wish I could just face whatever it is that is stopping me from being truly happy, but the thing is - I don't even know what it is that I am trying to face.

I mean, everything in my life is wonderful - so why am I not happy? What is it that I'm looking for? Why do I still feel lost?

I think I need to be alone for some time... My friends here are not my friends, and the only person in the world who is truly there for me is my Dad. I seem to have some kind of fear of being alone - because I don't know how to be. I need to ditch guys for good. Not because I'm a lesbian (which is very definitely still an option for me), but because being emotionally involved with someone is hindering me right now. I am a free spirit, and I need to learn to embrace that. Right now I am skittering between a dozen personalities that I cannot even begin to recognize. I need to find my own unique identity - and I can't have anyone else hindering that.

Today

Thu, 17 Jul 2008 15:54:59 GMT

5.45 pm - 1/2 Waffle - 100
+ tsp Maple Syrup - 20
- 1 brioche - 192

Ew

Mon, 14 Jul 2008 11:15:36 GMT

SHOCK HORROR DISGUST!

I'm horrible right now. I've just binged so much. It's noon right now. NOON! I've been eating like a horse these past few days. It's so horrible. I was getting just where I wanted to be. 95lbs! I've probably gained about 10lbs these past few days.

FAST STARTS NOW. LIQUIDS ONLY. I'm not gonna fuck it up. I'm not gonna let being happy bring me backwards in this. I can't just have a good few weeks, go home and be miserable because of the fat body I'm stuck in. I have failed my plan, but it's not too late to fix it. It has just gone noon. I'm thinking 96 hours. I like that number.

So by tomorrow this time there will be 72 hours left, and so on. I CAN DO THIS. I WILL NOT BREAK. Fuck breaking! I've had enough of screwing up. Going to play wow now. Mmmm

My Mother

Mon, 07 Jul 2008 17:33:39 GMT

When she gets upset because of me, I feel wrong.

"She’s so fucked up. She’s so fucked up. She’s dying. She’s fucking dying. How can you live with someone like that. She should just die now. Save us the pain of having to watch her kill herself."

-I know she didn't mean it. But I wish she didn't fucking shout it so loudly purposefully so I could hear that.

"Empty headed shell of a girl. She's a worthless garbage. She doesn't read. She doesn't do anything. Why is my daughter such a shit."

*sigh*

Today she had a mental breakdown because of all the issues I'm having. She went crazy at me because I'm ill and told me I wasn't allowed to go back to England because I was hurting myself again. I'm actually legitimately ill and caught a cold off a friend but no, she blames the paleness on my depression, lack of sleep, and lack of nutrition. Which, fair enough it could be partially due to that but I thought she was over getting angry about it! Turns out she's very very not. She shouted and shouted at me for being too thin and being mentally ill and how I would never be able to do anything in life. She cried in the bathroom for hours asking my Dad why she couldn't just have a normal daughter that wasn't such a fuck up.

Two days ago the best thing for me was to go back to England so I could try and be happy with my friends and boyfriend for a few weeks. Today, the best thing is to remain here where I'm miserable with a Mother who doesn't even like or accept me. My Dad promised me I would still go though and she was just saying it in a fit of emotion. I sure as hell hope so.

I should be upset. I should be crying feeling sorry for myself as I normally do when my Mother and I have a spat but I just feel numb. I feel too numb to do anything. I can't even write properly so I'm sorry if this is an extremely dull and monotonous entry. I suppose at least it conveys the way I feel.

I just finished a cycle of 2 4 6 7 (8 seems high).

Starting my own plan today that includes a small binge once a week so I give into cravings and avoid eating 3000 calories unplanned again. I think it should help! 1200 isn't too appalling an amount and the rest of the week should make up for it too.
Today: 200
300
500
Water Fast
Fruit Fast
Fruit Fast
1200 Binge Day Sunday
200
400
600
300
500
400
1200 Binge Day Sunday
100
300
500
400
700
Water Fast
1000 Semi-Binge Day
Water Fast
200
400
600
800

Fuck a 6, I'm a -6

Wed, 02 Jul 2008 21:48:30 GMT

Fuck this I want to die again. I just want to jump off my balcony. I want to slit my wrists so hard I slice my arm in half. I want to tear all of my hear out until I am nothing left but an ugly, scarred, bald-headed girl. I feel like that inside. In fact, I may as well be because I'm so inhumanly fat at the moment I might as well have green pimples all over my body.

I binged BIGTIME. More than I have ever done so in the past.

I had:
lemon sole fish fillet 1/2 - 75 calories
1 whole bar of cooking milk chocolate (150g) - 500 calories or so
4x soy yoghurts - 50 calories each
2x protein bars - 130 calories each
lots and lots and lots of fruit - 200 calories or more
at home croissant - 170 calories
1/2 a baguette with cream cheese and ham - 600
tapas (far too many and fried too) - about 600
Ice cream and crepes with caramel shared with Mother - 200 + 150
bowl of cereal - 260
more chocolate - 200 calories
a GIANT tablespoon of peanut butter - 130
then another one - 130

Grand total: 3470

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.

I have never eaten this much in my LIFE!

I don't even think I got everything I ate on the list. I feel so sick with myself. I actually feel like dying. I'm such a worthless piece of shit. I want to go to sleep so i can wake up tomorrow but I'm scared to because I'm scared to wake up. I'm scared to wake up fatter than I was today. I'm waking up at 5 tomorrow no fail. I will go running until I feel sick, followed by running in the gym, followed by spin class, followed by spanish lessons (which I might not even go to seeing as I have to burn about 6000 at the gym)

I'm meant to be burning twice as much as I eat. Meaning I have to KILL myself if I want to make up for this tomorrow. Or I have to burn 500 a day and not eat for the rest of the week. Which is too easy. I need to punish myself. So... 1000 a day. MINIMUM

I'm going to write a plan to make myself feel better.

July 3
Intake 200
Outtake 1200

July 4
Intake 100
Outtake 1100

July 5
Intake 300
Outtake 600

It's only three days so I'd better manage it. If I fail this, I will actually put a knife to my throat because I CANNOT FUCK THIS UP! I CAN'T! I would actually rather be dead than fuck this up.

EDIT: Midnight

I want to die and go to hell already. I can't stop crying.

On the scale from 1-10 of happiness, I'm a 6 :D

Wed, 02 Jul 2008 17:12:14 GMT

I haven't been happy in such a long time. I'm not even genuinely happy now but I feel somewhat positive about the future which is a HUGE step.

So I think my Mom either read my LJ account, or my food diary, because she found out that I was still struggling with eating. Which, okay it sucks, but she was really understanding about it for once. Like I said before, she finds it so hard to accept that I could possibly have a mental problem because in the culture she grew up in, they didn't exist. She was only able to think that the problem was with me, and that it wasn't an actual disease.

I don't think she's accepted that yet, but I do think she's at least trying to. I think she realizes that I'm horribly depressed and that I am extremely depressed despite my efforts to hide that from her. She's said that I can go back to England for 3 weeks. Which is so unimaginably incredible I can't even say. Madrid is gorgeous and all, but I don't know anyone and I feel extremely isolated which isn't helping my situation at all. She thinks it's a good idea that maybe I go back to England where I can be relaxed and see a therapist that I already know and maybe start to feel a little better about myself.

I went to see a shrink today. He was a really nice guy. Old man with a beard, typical shrinkish lol. In just an hour I think he realized a lot about my problems and is actually making a big step to try and do something about it. I'm so happy someone's taking the initiative for me because I certainly wasn't able to do it! He basically said that he thinks I'm so depressed that continuing without serious help would only make me worse. The great thing is, he isn't concerned my weight or the physical side of things at all but rather focuses on the psychological side of things which I think he needs to do. I've been prescribed a few meds, which okay, I hate meds, but I think he's right that I my problems are rooted so far into my past that I am emotionally incapable to say the least. I'm going to start seeing a therapist here in Madrid (one that speaks English) and get doctor checkups once a month just to make sure I'm not going to die or anything like that.

Like, I don't know, seeing him made me sort of think that recovery IS possible. That I'm not stuck in this forever and that there may be hope for me still. So I'm feeling generally a lot more positive about my future.

And again, I'M COMING HOME! Which is so so so so brilliant because Bristol is the only place in the WORLD where I have had a stable social life and made good genuine friends. I never had real friends before Bristol so I think it'll be great to be somewhere where I feel at home and safe. I mean, the problems aren't going to go away but it'll be good to be slightly more relaxed and focus on the happier things in my life rather than just... food.

Yay

Tue, 01 Jul 2008 23:09:32 GMT

I just looked back on my goal weights. I never really keep track of them because they always change but I've realized that today is the 1st of July.

And I am officially 98 lbs (7 stone on the dot)

YAY!

What's wrong with me?

Mon, 30 Jun 2008 19:18:24 GMT

He is the love of my life. I would die for him. We've never had a single problem in the world until I developed 'issues'.

Now all I can talk about with him is food. All I do is cry about how much I ate to him. He just tells me to shut up and listen to myself and consequently, I get mad. I shout at him until he snaps at me and I honestly can't blame him. I'm a complete bitch.

Sometimes I worry that I'll want to break up with him so I can be alone with my anorexia. I'm not quite there yet, I still love him to death but if I continue, I'm going to lose sight of that. I'm two people right now. I am Ana and I am Alex. Alex wants to be happy, wants to laugh, and eat, and treat her boyfriend the way he deserves. Ana wants to be miserable, starving, and alone.

I hate this disease. It's slowly consuming me and sabotaging everything good in my life. The problem is, I'm fat as shit but I have the mind of an anorexic. Actually, I lied, I'm dangerously underweight yet I'm still constantly miserable because of food. I just see myself as fat. I mean, I know that I'm not, but it's all that I see and disgustingly enough, that's all that matters to me.

Anorexia has replaced all of my hobbies. I used to enjoy art. But now I spend all my time looking up recipes and reading nutritional info on the internet (about 7 hours a day I'm not lying). I used to enjoy going for walks around the city. Now, the only time I leave the house is to go to the gym. The list continues.

The thing I want most in my life right now is him. I miss him so much because he's in a different country now and I would do anything to be with him. I want to spend the rest of my life with him.

But sometimes I worry that soon enough, I'll just want to hurt him so he'll break up with me. I'm already starting to hurt him and It's going to go in that direction if I don't change.

The thing is, he's the greatest person I have ever met in my life and I know that I will never find anyone else even remotely like him so WHY AM I DOING THIS TO HIM? Why am I doing this to me? Why am I sabotaging something so beautiful? He is the ONE. I sound like I'm some stupid youth in the haze of her first love, but I can feel it right the way through me, I just know.

I used to want to spend every second of every day with him, looking into his eyes and being happy. I don't even have the desire call him on the phone anymore. I love him so much but I can't bring myself to show that anymore. I really really do love him but I feel like I shouldn't, like I can't, like I don't deserve love. I'm so mean to him lately. He treats me like a princess and I still treat him like shit. I wonder, why the fuck do I want to destroy the only happy thing I have in my life?

It's because I am sick. I am sick and consumed by a stupid fucking disease that has taken over my life.

I've had enough of it though. Tonight has been a real wake up call because I'm starting to notice that Anorexia is trying to replace everything else in my life. So I've decided to recover. I want to recover. I've had enough. It's going to be hard as hell but I genuinely can't continue or I'm going to end up alone, crazy, or dead. This disease can take away my time, my life, my health, my happiness, but I'm NOT letting it replace him. Love is the best thing that's ever happened to me and I will NOT let an obsession take that away from me. I always tried to get better for him, but now I'm going to get better for the both of us. We have something special that is a million times more important than how skinny I am.

Fast

Sat, 28 Jun 2008 17:43:26 GMT

100 hour fast!

I like the number 100 :D

I don't care if my parents try to force food down my throat. I WILL NOT EAT!!!

Starting 8pm TONIGHT

100-99-98-97-96-95-94-93-92-91-90-89-88-87-86-85-84-83-82-81-80-79-78-77-76-75-74-73-72-71-70-69-68-67-66-65-64-63-62-61-60-59-58-57-56-55-54-53-52-51-50-49-48-47-46-45-44-43-42-41-40-39-38-37-36-35-34-33-32-31-30-29-28-27-26-25-24-23-22-21-20-19-18-17-16-15-14-13-12-11-10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1-0

Finish Midnight Thursday (Wednesday night)

I am a fat fat fat fat piece of shit. What happened today will never happen again. I cannot get upset. I must exercise until my feet bleed. Getting upset would only stop me from burning off the calories I ate. (more than I've eaten collectively in a week).

So that's like three hours at the gym. 8pm until it closes. I'll probably burn about 800 calories. Then I'll come home and burn more. Run around in circles and such. I will not sleep until it has all been burnt off, therefore I will not sleep...

I've got a long night ahead of me.

I know it seems that I only write on here when I'm upset and contemplative so for that I apologise..

Sun, 22 Jun 2008 20:41:37 GMT

My personality is completely screwed up because of my parents. That sounds harsh, and I shouldn't blame them for being a shit, but I do.

I just had one of the most self esteem diminishing days of my life. I woke up this morning at 8 to study Maths so I don't have too much to worry about when I start a completely new education system next year. Yes it is summer and I am sad, but I'm not allowed out of the house without my parents and I'm not allowed much social contact. Ever since I got expelled and moved to Madrid they've gone from relatively liberal to psychotically strict. They've expected so much from me, which is fair enough because I did fuck up big time but it's like, anything I don't do right away they go crazy about. For example, yesterday my Mother told me to put mosquito cream on a bite I had. I said it wasn't itchy and she went mental. She kept yelling at me and asking why I couldn't just obey her. Why I dedicated myself to making her life a misery. (She constantly reminds me that her life was hell from the day I was born) I feel like she hates everything about me. I'm pretty sure she does. She's always telling me how horrible and worthless I am. My parents try to control everything about me. They tell me what to wear, what to do, when to go to bed, when to wake up, when to study and when to eat. My Mother tried to cut my hair when I was sleeping because she said it was too messy and she's thrown away my entire wardrobe in the past. I think her obsessive controlling nature might be some of the reason that I feel the need to control my weight so much. I feel so liberated throwing out a sandwich, or sneakily putting rice into my napkin at the dinner table.

One of the things that annoys me most about my Mother is how much she contradicts herself. She is constantly telling me that money doesn't matter yet she wouldn't let me hang out with poor kids. She constantly tells me that my life will suck if I don't to go to America for university because the economy is better there and I will get a better job because of it. (makes no sense I know) She tells me that mental problems don't exist and that eating disorders and depression are excuses for spoiled teenagers like myself yet she complains about how depressed she was a few years back. She tells me to eat healthily and that she will not tolerate any more 'anorexia bullshit' as she calls it and five minutes later calls me a greedy pig for having a sandwich. I'll shut up about this now, you get the picture.

Anyways back to the point of my story, today SUCKED. I woke up at 8 shortly followed by a lecture for being unmotivated and not waking up at 6. My parents had to 'chat' to me... Again. They have these talks with me twice a week and they always consist of no more than one new idea that could be summed up in a sentence. Somehow, these chats last hours. They go on and on repeating themselves and reminding me of how much I've fucked up before and how I am a failure. They tell me that I need to do a million things, a million things that I am trying so hard to do and have been reminded to do so every day since they thought the idea up. Again, yes I did fuck up big time and yes they are allowed to be mean but today they took it too far.

The chat began with a 'reality check'. I'm fairly ambitious and my dream is to go to a top end university like Oxford or Columbia in NY. My parents told me today that I need to stop kidding myself because the chances of me getting in are zero. They said I'm a pathetic failure and I need to come to terms with the real world and that I will never be good enough for a school like that. I lack drive and enthusiasm for extra curricular activities, I suck at sports. It took them about 45 minutes to tell me why I would never get into such a school.

Soon after they were asking me why I was such an emotional wreck and demanded an answer. They caught me crying last night. I missed my boyfriend because we'd just returned from holiday with him and I won't see him for a month. They don't see me cry much even though I cry about half the time (good hiding skills). I explained this to them and my Mother called me a sad fool. She said I needed to get a life and get over myself. Shortly after she started wailing about why nothing was ever good enough for me and why I had to cry when they have given me so much. Then she went on to go over all the things they have done for me since I was born pretty much which took up another 45 minutes or so...

If THAT wasn't enough of a chat, they started nagging me about my eating disorder. (Which they think I've recovered from) They're still baffled by how I could do that to them, and how I could be so selfish for worrying them the way that I did. They asked how I could be so shallow and how I could think a stupid thing like weight could be important. If they knew I still had issues, they'd probably make my life a living hell... Meanwhile I was sat there biting my tongue nodding and pretending to agree with everything I said, apologizing for being 'self focused'. The chat ended royally with a, 'If you have any problems you can always talk to us and we will be there for you'... Confusing or what?

This morning I was also in trouble for not liking myself enough. They said that you can't get anywhere in life if you don't have pride but how the fuck am I meant to like myself when you are constantly reminding me of all the horrible things I think that I am. My self esteem is so crap that I feel offended when people say I'm pretty. I'm so paranoid that they are playing a prank on me.

I'm 17 and I can't live my own life. I'm tiptoeing around trying to pretend that everything is okay when it's so far from that. I'm scared to live and scared to die. I want to recover from this illness but I'm scared to. I want to tell my parents that things are NOT okay and that I'm screaming inside but I am scared to. I want to talk to a counsellor but I'm scared to.

I'm a baby really, and I'm worried that my lack of self esteem will affect the rest of my life. I'm worried that my maturity level will always be that of a teenage girl's because my coping skills start and end with self harm. I'm worried that I am too needy yet I'm worried that I'm too independent. I'm a passionate person yet I lack any particular passions. I'm just seriously confused right now and I wish that I could figure out who the fuck I am rather than dwelling on all the downsides of my life. I wish I could love myself (whoever that is) and simply be happy about it.

Worst day ever...

Sun, 08 Jun 2008 19:01:37 GMT

I woke up this morning feeling fresh and brilliant. I had an outfit planned out for the day, one that my dad would like. He hates my style but used to deal with it (I dress like a bit of a hippie and have accidental dreads from not brushing... ever). Since I got expelled, my parents have been extremely picky about my clothes. They decided that the reason I keep fucking is due to my reluctance to conform. Now that I´ve fucked up big time, they feel they have the right force me to conform. (To be fair, I screwed them over so I guess conformity isn´t the worst thing) My mother made me take my multiple piercings out, threw away most of my long, floral skirts and now expects me to wear polos and Burberry. Anyways, I normally just wear big t-shirts and jeans so I at least look like I´m trying but I decided to dress up today for my dad. I came out of my room after an hour of getting dressed (an hour of make up and hair and things I haven´t done in FOREVER) and he took one look at me and buried his face in his hands moaning about how ´It´s happening again!´ He said I haven´t changed, that I was dressing that way just to spite him. I personally didn´t see anything wrong with the outfit. It was a blazer, a nice skirt and heels (which I would NEVER wear before). He took it my attempt to dress up and though I was being sarcastic with my dress sense. He took it completely the wrong way and spent the next hour insulting me and bringing up all the issues I´ve had in the past and how THAT was proof that they were still there.

All I want is to please my parents. It´s pathetic but I want to desperately for them to be happy with me. I´ve failed them and I know they can´t trust me but I wish they would. I feel like they hate me and when they get mad at me, I just want to curl up into a ball and die. I lose sight of everything else. When my Dad lost his temper earlier, I did something that months ago, I swore I´d never do. I cut my wrists.

I spent an hour looking at my tear stained self in the mirror and saying, ´Stop crying you pathetic loser, you deserve this, you deserve unhappiness. Look at how gross you are, no one could ever love you. T (boyfrined) will dump you soon because you are unloveable´ I just talked to myself like a fucking looney in the loo... Yes I know I am fucked up.

I felt so stupid afterwards. I promised my boyfriend and my parents that I wouldn´t. But I felt so trapped, so alone, so lost. I just had to do it so I could get back some feeling of control.

The rest of the day went okay, (my Dad and I made up) until lunchtime when I fucked up my eating. I ate a couple mini sandwiches and some tuna, totaled to 300 calories. 300 fucking calories in one meal. That´s disgusting isn´t it? If that isn´t bad enough, I had 1/2 a quesadilla and a 70 calorie Activia. Totaled to 270 calories for dinner.

After dinner I cried. I cried my eyes out. I even gave myself a cut on the inside of my mouth to make sure I wouldn´t eat again... I´m sick I know.

Ana´s fucking back. Back with a vengeance. A few weeks ago I thought I had control. I could still eat about 500-600 calories without throwing a complete hysterical fit. Now I can´t even eat an apple without feeling bad. I feel evil when I eat. I feel like I´ve been poisoned and as badly as I want to get it out, I can´t. I refuse to break yet another promise. I fucking refuse.

I hate Ana, but I can´t live without her. She´s my coping mechanism. My escape. The fact that I´m referring to a disease as a person further demonstrates how far from ready I am from recovery. Recovery would mean gaining weight. And as shallow as this is, I am not ready to accept that yet.

..:EDIT:.. 8.55pm

My Dad and I just had another argument. I felt that he was mean and unfair to me and instead of just getting over it like a normal person, I had to cut myself. I DID IT AGAIN. The third time in a day. I´m so scared that I´m going to get addicted to this again. It makes me feel so much better when I´m upset. I don´t know how to deal with my emotions, so I cut. It´s unhealthy and in the words of my boyfriend, ´Martyrish self pitying´. I will NOT let myself do this again. At least I stopped myself from purging right? And if I can do that, I can stop myself from cutting. I just need to be strong. Strong people don´t cry. Strong people don´t break down and cut themselves. Strong people do not need to eat to survive.

I will be one of them.

My Pig Ways MUST END

Thu, 05 Jun 2008 00:27:48 GMT

So, I've been a complete PIG these past two days. I'm moving to Spain tomorrow and I just thought, 'fuck it I'll enjoy my last days here'. Yeah I friggin well enjoyed them, consuming about 1500 calories for like 3 days in a row... I am sick.

It's disgusting I know, but I'll make it better. I WON'T let this ruin my motivation, right? It was just as slip up and it WILL be improved.

I'll be apart from my boyfriend for 9 days. I spend every waking second of my life with him and haven't left his sight for more than an hour so this should be fun... NOT. I'll miss him to death, but at least seeing him will give me motivation to be a new me when I next do. I'm so huge now, I gained 3 lbs so I'm 108. (EEEEWWWW!)

I want to be 102 in 9 days... Think I can do it? I KNOW I can do it. Here are some rules:

-If going out to eat, no eating more than 500 calories and NO consuming anything else throughout the day.
-Chew food 43 times (habit)
-Only allowed to eat between 3 and 6pm.
-NEVER eat more than 300 calories on a regular day
-No treats what so ever (only diet hot cocoa once a day if desperate)

Plan for most days:

B: coffee + skimmed milk = 30
(3x green tea throughout the day)
0400pm: Piece of fruit or cooked vegetables (veg. soup included) = 100 calorie max
(1 more coffee allowed in the afternoon = 30)
0600pm: 1 papaya milk (v. healthy and good for digestion) = 60 calories
(1 more coffee allowed at night = 30)

Total: 250 max but less is easily possible. :)

If I'm forced to eat I'll eat a small portion no more than 200 (only will need to on some days)

I'm determined to get this. I NEED to be thinner. I just feel horrible and disgusting. I can't even stand to take showers anymore because I get so distracted by all the FAT on me. This HAS to change because I refuse to look like this anymore.

Mon, 02 Jun 2008 22:26:39 GMT

Despite the 800 thing... I read back on some previous posts of mine and I realized, I reached my sprevious goal weight I made a few weeks ago. I was 113 or something, wanted to be 108 and then 105... I was 104.2 this morning, (more after today's binge but besides that), I've lost weight! I didn't even realize it! :)

This makes me feel even MORE motivated to do well in the future. I always thought I was getting nowhere and started getting really bummed out since I hit my plateau, but I've reached 2 goal weights! I'm going to make myself more...

Monday, 10 June - 102 lbs
(Holiday to Italy for 1 week - sucky pause in weight loss)
Tuesday 20 June - 100 lbs
(Weight loss gets really slow after bmi goes under 16)
Monday 1 July - 98 lbs
Monday 21 July - 96 lbs (BMI 15.5)

For now I'll be happy at 15.5 - to be honest I hope I don't decide to go too much lower because people did say I looked ill all the time. But in some perverse way I'd like to look like that. :/?

Anyways, it's been weird being home. I'm ecstatic to be here but at the same time felt very withdrawn from my friends. The lingering reminder than I'm moving in 2 days in the back of my mind is really screwing with my head. I can't show any sadness about it because of my overly controlling Mother. She seems to think that because I'm younger, I must show respect by not burdening others with my emotions. (She's Chinese and their family dynamics are completely different to Westerners such as my Dad.) My Dad is amazing and supportive of me, but I lack any bond with my Mother. She'll lose her temper and drain the life out of me with her contradicting lectures that last hours (no lie) if I express anything but modest happiness. I feel like I'm walking on bloody eggshells all the time when I'm at home.

I feel trapped in a million ways. I'm so scared to leave my boyfriend when we move to Spain. We're staying together and he'll come and stay with me in no time. But when my family and I move, we'll be apart for nearly a month. Which will SUCK because we've been living together about 3 months when traveling and become somewhat dependent. God I love him a lot. There are no words to describe how I feel when I'm with him.

I'm sad about leaving my friends but at the same time excited to make a new start. I've fucked up a dozen schools in the past and I'm determined to do amazingly here! I'm switching education systems so I need to take SATs soon. (I'll be a 'senior' (year 13)) I plan on working my ASS off for them as well as studying Chinese, writing and painting. I used to love my hobbies but lately I've felt kind of numb and distracted. I might get back into DJing (digitally edited mixes and such, (but I wish I could mix live)) Plus, Spain will have AMAZING weather and a new start is EVEN MORE motivation for me to change my food habits.

(By the way, I lived in Spain for quite a while, which is why I seem less excited about things like culture and such)

That was a somewhat pointless rant. I apologize for wasting anyone's time. I'm just in a contemplative mood and all this uncertainty around me is making me want to jot it down.

Stay beautiful. <3

Mon, 02 Jun 2008 17:50:03 GMT

There's metabolism boosting and then there's eating until your body weight is more fat than food. Well not literally. It feels like that though. When I eat, and I can SEE my thighs expanding and fat spreading across my body. I feel so horrible. I feel shitty. I feel disgusting. I'm trying so hard to hold back tears right now because I'm with my family but I just want to cry cry and cut myself until I burn all the calories I ate just from going hysterical.

In retrospect I don't even think it's that much. But I feel so repulsive. My stomach is full and bloated. 400 calories in one setting does NOT go well with my body right now. I look like a pregnant woman. Today it's been like 600 calories almost. Yesterday I had 400.

I'm never going to lose weight, EVER. I always tell myself that I will fast, or eat nothing but lettuce, but it never lasts. I'm just a pathetic weak person that can't even accomplish the most basic of goals.

I'm dreading the scale tomorrow...

..:Update:..

800 calories

I have absolutely no self control

I suck...

Wed, 28 May 2008 19:00:21 GMT

I was doing amazingly... 130 calories yesterday so I was going to have 350 today. But no, I got to 350 and then had CEREAL. It was small but probably about 250 calories. UGH, i SUCK!

so... 600 today.

I never want to eat again.

:(

Balance?

Tue, 27 May 2008 16:32:53 GMT

So I've taught myself the ability to fear food. I've been eating about nothing (aside from coffee and the off fruit) for the past few days and I lack even the slightest desire to have anything. I tried to make myself eat a bit of porridge this morning to keep my metabolism somewhat alive but I couldn't even touch it. I stirred it around in the bowl for about 30 minutes and gave up.

It's weird, I'm relatively okay with my size. I weigh 105 lbs (I'm 5'6) and about 15 lbs of that is due to regrettably large breasts. Yet, I still want to be thinner... Why? I think its about control or something. I have a complete control freak for a Mother and I think this is my way to exert some form of control over my life. I've also spent the majority of my life moving from place to place but why the hell do I think that not eating will stabilize the uncertainty that hangs about day to day. Some days I can eat a semi normal amount and feel okay about it and other days I'll have a mouthful of mashed potato and cry for an hour. I'm just fucking confused right now. I'm moving in a week and because of my recent expulsion, can do very little in the ways of seeing friends and such. I spend most of my last days here playing World of Warcraft (horribly nerdy I know), not making any attempt at contacting my friends. And they are amazing friends too. They've always supported me through everything and offered any help I could ask for judgement-free. So why the hell does it not matter to me that I will rarely see them over the course of the next year? Maybe I'm in denial of yet another move?

(Unrelated - I just ate half a cracker (15 cals) and I'm sort of upset about it and sort of regretting it but then again I'm sort of not, again - very confused)

I don't even know what the point of this rant is. I'm feeling somewhat 'blah'. I currently feel empty emotionally and physically (the physically empty part being a very good thing indeed).

Ah... I haven't seen my boyfriend in over 24 hours (we were together on holiday for 2 months) and I miss him a shit load.

I'm going to go play Warcraft and wonder why the fuck I just ate a cracker. I didn't need it then again I did... I wish my feelings would just make their mind up. I can't even express myself on this post in any comprehensible way because of all the jumble in my head. Grr.

Sorry to anyone who just wasted 2 minutes of their life reading that, not that anyone actually reads my posts...

...EDIT...

I forgot to write my food :)

Today:
12 pm - sips of miso soup = 20
2 pm - coffee + skimmed soy milk = 30
5 pm - half a ryvita cracker = 15
Dinner will be... IDK maybe a few bites of lettuce?

Yesterday:
2 pm - 1/2 a sandwich = 250
(purged pretty much immediately = -150?
5 pm - skimmed milk cappuccino = 50
TOTAL = 300 (150 including the purge)

The day before:
11 am - 1/4 easter egg (WTF?) = 300
10 pm - 1/2 slice toast = 50
+ 2x cups of tea with a dab of milk = 20
TOTAL = 370

I fail and fail and fail...

Sun, 25 May 2008 11:03:47 GMT

Two days ago I ate constantly for a day... at least 2000 calories. I woke up yesterday determined to fix it so I fasted for 100 hours. Less than 30 hours into that fast, I broke it, with chocolate... CHOCOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME! I wasn't even hungry. It was first thing in the morning and there was absolutely NO reason for me to eat that chocolate. I could have had porridge for 100 calories or less, instead I had a quarter of an easter egg... which is at least 250, maybe 300.

I AM A FUCKING FAILURE AND I DESERVE TO DIE. I can't stop crying now. I'm even at my boyfriends house, its so pathetic. He's downstairs playing video games. I said I was still sleepy so I had to take a nap. For the last 20 minutes tears have been streaming down my face because I know that no matter how hard I try, I WILL NEVER BE THIN. I will always be a failure and I will always look like shit.

My story so far... (sorry it's so damn long)

Tue, 20 May 2008 03:30:55 GMT

The other day I looked at myself in the mirror for the first time in months and I felt completely shattered. When my boyfriend asked why I was crying I just said it was because we were going home from our travels. I mean it's believable to cry about that for three hours right? Nothing to do with how disgustingly fat I've become.

I've been here in Taiwan for two months now. I got expelled from school and my family and I decided to stay on another month seeing as my boyfriend was on his gap year. I weighed 96lbs when I got here. It was so hard when we first came, my parents knew about the eating problems because my therapist had diagnosed me with anorexia and for some crazy reason I decided she was allowed to tell my Dad, who then told my Mom. BIG MISTAKE. My Mom hates me for it. She's mildy psychotic and believes that there is no such thing as an eating disorder and the reason I had any problems with depression and such was because I am a shallow, bored and selfish little bitch. She thinks anorexia is something they invented to give ignorant teenage girls an excuse to be self-focused. I wish she knew that at the time, I had no idea I was putting my Dad and my boyfriend through hell and all I could think about was how I wanted to die. Hell, I got myself expelled as a consequence of my problems.

Anyways they basically FORCED me to get better. They said that if I cared about them at all, I would stop torturing them with my problems. I also felt horribly bad for my boyfriend because for the last month or so, he'd been putting up with me having a complete FIT over four bites of dinner. I used to cut myself because my gag reflex was so tired it would not permit me to throw the food up. He had to put up with all this, and I know he loves me as much as I love him so that must have been somewhat horrifying for him to see... every day. So, him being amazing and my parents being somewhat insensitive caused me to care a little less about what I ate.

The first two weeks I binged every day and ate absolutely disgusting amounts of food. It was like I'd missed the taste of it or something (why I cannot tell you). I didn't seem to care too much though. Or, I still did of course, but made myself ignore it. (I only purged about 5 times over 1 and a half months) My atrociously normal eating habits caused my parents to pay a little less attention to my eating so I started to eat a little less, (between 600 and 1200 a day depending) which looking back on it makes me hate myself. I can't believe I cared so little about food for so long! It's hit me hard now though... I weigh 52 kilos. (115 lbs) What has HAPPENED TO ME! For the first time in almost two months, I looked in the mirror and I couldn't even SEE my face. All I could see was fat, my bones...were...all...gone... My thighs were HUGE, my arms didn't look like toothpicks anymore and you couldn't even FEEL my chest bones. God I was devastated. I mean, I'd noticed that I was getting bigger for a while, and people had mentioned that I didn't look ill anymore but I forced myself to ignore what they were saying. Or just, not think about how fat I was, and wear baggy clothes so I wouldn't glimpse my reflection.

I'd been keeping a food journal for the last two months just because I think disorder or none I will never be able to stop doing that. I am seriously horrified at how I even thought I was worthy of... anything. For a while I ate like, 1400+ calories. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST. I'm so scared that when I go back to England, my friends will all bitch about how 'healthy' i look or whatever the hell shit they'll come up with. My family has all already commented on it. How could I have let myself get this BIG!?! I felt so unimaginably horrible. I FEEL unimaginably horrible. And as bad as this sounds, I think I want the anorexia back. Even though I was happy before, even though I was able to eat semi-normally and not hate myself for it, I want it back. It's such an awful thought because I know how much it hurt the ones that love me but I guess, I can starve without being anorexic right? I just can't STAND how fat I am. It's a stupid though, but I'm scared to go see my therapist back in england because they'll probably take one look at me, laugh heartily about how I'm 'better' and send me on my way. That would KILL ME!

At least it would clear ALL suspicion from my parents. I can continue losing weight afterwards too... So my intake since my day of revelation has been:

Sunday: nothing all day until
0700 - ate small vegetarian meal (120 cals)

Monday: nothing all day except
0700 - papaya milk (healthy and makes you poo! :-D) (140 cals)

Today: 0200 - 1/2 chinese dumpling thing (baozi) (120 cals roughly)
0500 - hot and sour soup (100 cals)
0700 - 2 bites of dinner (15 cals)
1000 - MAJOR FUCK UP! 1/4 bread snack (80-100 cals)
- at home matcha latte (100)
Uuuuuugh! Completely ruined it by that end... total today: 415 grr

I should be entirely disconcerted and in tears about tonight's binge but I decided to push through it and forget about it. Dwelling on it will get me nowhere and instead I can waste the hours I would crying, planning.

My aims are:
Height: 5'6
HW: 126
LW: 93
CW: 115 (possibly 113 after past few days but I don't want to assume)
GW1: 108
GW2: 105
UGW: 90

Wish me luck! I need a nice strict diet routine so I'm not just restricting because that's too unpredictable for me. I like to plan every minute of every day, and have it within my reach within the pages of a notebook. I wonder what the most effective weight loss is...? Fast five days eat for two? It would be hard but I need a challenge. I love fasting. :D